On Shyness
I was pretty shy as a kid. No, I was really shy. Once, at the pizza place, I was so shy that I couldn't bring myself to the counter to ask for more straws. The whole thing ended with me crying in the car. I can't remember if I was crying because I was so overwhelmed by the shyness or if I was crying because my parents made me feel so bad for being so shy. I must have been about 7 years old.
Our biggest girl is 5-1/2. She is shy. Well, she's just shy initially. Those of you who know her know that she can be bubbly, funny, sweet, and loving after she warms up to new people. Due to shyness especially in new settings, her daddy and I have each been her pas de deux partner at ballet classes, even if no other little dancer has an adult companion. We were at a school visit the other day, and she didn't shake anyone's hand when offered. When So-and-So would introduce him/herself, our girl would shrink away from the extended hand, as if it had the cooties. She made zero eye or hand contact. By the end of the afternoon, she was clinging to me as if she was going to be bitten by an aligator. She was trying to scale me, trying to get me to hold her on my hip like she was a toddler.
Before this time, I was sure I should approach it noncholantly. I should not make a big deal of it, not make her feel worse than she probably already does. I should give her space and time to reach her own comfort level in her own time. I should teach her through example, show her how I shake hands, make eye-contact, say "How do you do?"
Now that she's almost 6 and going to 1st grade in the fall, I am wondering how to make it easier for her. Parent Rule Numero Uno is to never compare, but I couldn't help but to notice how other children the other day were totally open to meeting the other children and parents. How can we help her feel less shy? It's almost starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Have we done something wrong that has made her uncomfortable in new settings? Is there something we can say to her to make her feel more confident and comfortable? Is this something we should start to discuss directly with her?
I remember that debilitating shyness from my childhood as well. Asking for straws at a restaurant (by myself!!?) would definitely have been overwhelming to the point of tears.
I also see it in my sons, and feel the same impulses my mother must have felt to push them through it. Of course, that didn't work with me, but I don't have any other model. I'm trying the opposite approach which sounds like yours as well - letting them know it's ok to be careful and slow to warm up. They're only three and I'm hoping that making them feel safe now will result in more confident kids later. What else can you do?
Posted by: Anne | March 17, 2006 at 08:25 AM
Olivia,
I looked on BPN and there is a link to shyness. It mostly deals with schools in the Bay Area; but, it might be helpful to see what other people have to say. http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/worries/shy.html#kind2
Posted by: Erica | March 17, 2006 at 09:01 AM
You know, all of my life was very social and I think it has something to do with culture. I remember a sense of shyness but a sense of duty that pre-empted the shy tendencies. Maybe it was just out of necessity, being that our culture group was displaced, and therefore extended beyond just "extended family". Gatherings were regular (at least 2X a month) and there were always new faces that would rotate - not quite attending each gathering. There was dressing up which helped bolster our confidence, and watching our folks socialize which gave us an example of how to behave. There were times with Andrew where we would get into our daily routine and we would find that he became VERY shy at meeting new people. After just 9 days in the middle east, he was trained to hug and kiss any new person he met (of course this is a little over the top here hehe but it can be quite cute!). I think it's also easier for Philly to retreat into her comfortable zone (w/ mama) when you're there... and it will be different for her when you're not there. I guess I don't have a clear answer, just some personal experiences. Good luck!
Posted by: Shetha | March 17, 2006 at 09:33 AM
I am going through the same thing with my 5 y.o. She wants so bad to be a part of a group at school, playing with friends, but is so reluctant to approach the group to play so ends up playing alone or with the teacher. I read this paper on a website: www.une.edu.au/psychology/staff/malouff/shyness/htm#eliz
and it gave me some ideas to help. I also talked to her teacher about it and I scheduled some playdates with the children who seemed to be the leaders in a particular group. It is interesting how already they break off into their own little group of friends.
I was very shy when I was a child and I see the same things happening to Emily. I hope I can help her overcome it now, while she is still young.
Posted by: christian | March 17, 2006 at 10:01 AM
I don't think there's much of anything you can do, and it seems like you both are on the right track.
I was painfully shy until I was an adult. I don't think I raised my hand in class voluntarily until I was in college. My 6yo son is shy, too. But I must admit, I'm not too concerned about it.
Nothing my mother did to try to get me to be more "outgoing" ever worked. In fact, it just made me angry. Shy was who I was. But I outgrew it, and although I still tend to be quiet in groups, I don't experience that paralyzing shyness I remember from my childhood. I'm confident my son will outgrow it, too.
Posted by: Kate | March 17, 2006 at 10:02 AM
This is a great topic, thanks for bringing it up. I figured Kate's shyness would go away once she was through toddlerhood. What does Philly say about it? Do we think there are situations where it is absolutely not ok to shrink away, or should we automatically back up our kids however they feel/behave?
Posted by: Blair | March 17, 2006 at 03:29 PM
I think the world puts so much emphasis on being out there. It's just not a time in our culture to be inward in so many ways. My daughter is so shy and I am so not! It has been an interesting and frustrating learning experience for both of us.
I've learned that when it comes right down to those moments of decision to join in our not, it's really got to be up to her. It's her body, her mind, her life. If we don't allow our children to say no then we get a whole lot more Brittany's than anyone can stand. As parents is our responsibility not to perpetuate cycles that don't benefit. Intraverts are an important part of the balance in the world. As often as we can think of our kids in a respectful way the world will to.
Lastly a powerful tool I have developed has been not over reacting to her shyness- it's her way, as others have said she will come through it or it will be her way. Her way is important for this planet to have and as her parent I can lead by example and respect her.
Posted by: Jennifer | March 19, 2006 at 08:02 PM
Thanks for all the comments, and suggestions! As I look at Philly in the group-setting with a fresh eye, I realize she does fine when she's comfortable. At the playdate last Saturday, she was generally at-home (of course, since we spend 4 hours at a time at Sydney's, it IS much like home); she was social and playful. I also think that, at 5-1/2 years old, she's now pretty capable of recognizing that she gets shy and realizing when she gets shy. I think I'll start to talk to her more about it. At a recent ballet class a few months ago, she wouldn't do anything without me holding her hand. After the class, I asked her what was wrong, and she said, "I was shy. I won't be shy next time." And, it was true. She was exuberant and fully-participatory the following class. Then, last week, when I began discussing summer camps with her, I asked her: "Will you be 'ok'?" with a tone that she picked up on. She replied, "I'll be ok. I'll make new friends and I won't be shy."
So, I think that starting to talk about it and verbally work through the discomfort will be helping us in years to come.
Posted by: olivia | March 20, 2006 at 07:50 AM
Sometimes, when I've seen Max suffer from his shyness, I've tried some strategies:
1. Come early so he has time to adjust.
2. Discuss what will happen.
3. Rehearse how to ask someone to play.
4. Give him a good luck charm or special object that can be a focal point for him and others.
5. Remind him of people's names and little stories of what they did together in the past.
Posted by: Serena | March 20, 2006 at 08:09 AM