Family Politics: When Partners Don't Agree

Sometimes, every once in a great while, urban Mamas & their partners don't see eye to eye (say it isn't so!).  As we read recently on uM, we have some seriously different approaches to discipline.  So what about political differences?  You're a bleeding heart liberal (thanks, Dad, for that descriptive term) and s/he's anti-tax and believes in them bootstraps.  Or, she wants a woman in the Oval Office bad, he thinks Hillary's the pits.  You've never missed an election and s/he rarely knows what's even on the ballot.  I've always wondered what happens when s/he's a Democrat and s/he's a Republican, or vice-versa - the famous James Carville-Mary Matalin scenario.  Sounds grim.  As parents, there are enough minefields, thanks.

In our house, my husband and I mostly see eye to eye on all things political, though our passions differ.  If I'm shouting at the newspaper, he often agrees but doesn't find it as objectionable (he's also a wee bit quieter).  But I know, oh I know, what political differences can do to a family.  While my husband and I nod our heads at the same stuff, my parents and I, well, let's just say we don't talk politics - especially if there's a wine bottle at the table!  While avoiding the topic can create peace, what's there left to talk about?  Food?  The weather?  Even those are hot political topics these days.

What's the political landscape in your house?  How do you handle key differences?  Heated discussions?  Avoid hot-button topics like the plague?  Tips from the trenches??? 

Comments

[meg]

I just can't see being married to someone who disagrees with me politically. My moral philosophy is somewhat grounded in my political views (or is it vice versa?). If we disagreed about things like health care, gay rights etc. life would be difficult.

[Lisa]

Me either! But as for my parents, how do people handle those differing views? I feel like avoiding everyhting political has worked best on many levels, but the sad edn result is not knowing them as well, and vice-versa. I dread Election '08 talk, and literally have considered not voting for Hillary b/c I just can't stand that many more years of anti-Hillary mean talk.

[Monica in Cali]

I can't imagine being in an intimate relationship with someone with vastly differing views than my own. Not in this day and age. No way. There are lots of people who don't hold my same views... all those people with Bush/Cheney stickers still on there cars... but how do you get along as a national collective? We need to figure it out. When the power switches hands as I hope it will in '08, I only hope that all those folks that didn't vote for HER don't have to feel the same way I have felt for the past 8 years. We need to find agreeable common ground. Somehow. It's such an emotionally charged issue for me which makes the finding common ground, all the more difficult. I wish I had ideas to offer.

[Sarah C]

My partner and I tend to agree on most things politically. When we disagree it tends to be about the little differences in a canidate or issue - which in Portland is easy to do. We have a lot of great progressives who run for office. There are times when either way the city is a winner.

I think that people who marry political opposites fall into one of two camps. The first being while they may have opinions, they do not dominate their lives. These are the people who do not vote in elections like we have right now - sadly there are too many of these people. They are not very likely to visit a blog like this one either.

The other camp is on the opposite end of the spectrum - the Carville/Matalins if you will. As someone who works in politics, I will tell you it takes a unique person to work these types of jobs. Even at the highest levels it is an odd type of job and you have put in a lot of time to get there. I really think in that case even though their politics differ, their lifestyle choices are very similar.

I know that I really differ from my dad and brother. My mom claims to be on my side but does not show it too strongly. For the most part we do not talk politics - which is hard when it is part of my job.

[mamala]

My best friends, married man and woman, are on the extreme opposite poles, in every way, and yet they have been happily married for 16 years. Sometimes it's hard for me to watch, but still fascinating. I always tell my friend that she better make sure she gets her vote in so she can cancel his out! I think it's got to be strange. But obviously they have enough things in their marriage, non-political or otherwise, that they agree on, and they are darn good parents. The older child opted for mom's views early on, so the younger one then took on dad's views, I think more because he felt sorry for him. I think they will develop their own opinions as time goes by, and I know my friends will respect whichever "side" they are on, and they will maintain a close relationship. I, on the other hand, would NEVER be able to make it work. I think I would be too angry all the time! :)

[mom22]

I'm so intrigued by these responses. There seems to be a lot of emotion about the idea of sharing a life with someone with different political views. Seventeen years ago my husband and I had very similar ideologies. Today, some similar strands but certainly our beliefs have evolved over the years and not always in the same direction. I suppose more important to me is finding common ground in our daily lives as opposed to how we vote. I've always loved hearing from either Matalin or Carville because I thought it was wonderful that they could build a home-life so sheltered from all of the outside stuff. People grow and change and need that place to reconnect when the rest of the world sucks. Perhaps it's a chicken and egg thing? His differing views (and mine to him, I suppose) are just an indication of how the years have gone, which only make me appreciate who he has become more. If I were meeting him for the first time today, maybe I wouldn't find that common ground because I wouldn't look past his voter's registration. That would be unfortunate.